Happy Third Anniversary, Jixemitri! This was an entry for a "Bad Fic Challenge" that is no longer being offered. The "Bad Fic" angle will be painfully evident about two run-on sentences and one Mary Sue in. This story is dedicated not only to Jixemitri's Third Anniversary, but also to Mary's original Bad Fic "Night of the Living Smush." A big thanks to Kate, Mary, SIM, Sjaye, and Susansuth who didn't edit for me. *snicker* The story's also short enough that I didn't bother with a pdf file.
Laina-Sue Garlisle was brimming with excitement. The pretty teenager who had long flowing red hair with the prettiest copper highlights that you ever saw and intensely green eyes that all the boys told her looked like fine emeralds had just received some exciting news. That’s why she was so excited. Because of the exciting news. Exciting news that she couldn’t wait to share with her new very best friends in the world, the Bob-Whites of the Glen.
The Bob-Whites of the Glen, or BWG’s for short, were a semi-secret club in the village of Sleepside, New York which was a village in Westchester County, New York which sits on the Hudson River where Trixie, the co-president of the club, once saw a shark after her brother ate poisoned Waldorf salad but it wasn’t intentionally poisoned, it’s just that his lab partner cut the apples up without removing the seeds and they have cyanide in them.
And the BWG’s weren’t really semi-secret either come to think of it. I mean they had their own station wagon – which was a gift from Honey’s father, who is Trixie’s best friend - with their name stenciled right on it and they wore their red jackets wherever they went with BWG cross-stitched on the back. Honey, who is really wealthy but still a good seamstress, did the cross stitching because Trixie couldn’t because all sewing is cross stitching to her because every time she looks a needle in the eye she gets cross. And everyone in town from Mike the counter boy to Sergeant Molinson the bad tempered cop and even roly-poly Mrs. Vanderpoel knew about their good deeds and about the mysteries they solved.
Anyway, the BWG’s had seven members. There was fourteen year old Trixie who had sandy-blonde curls and blue eyes. A tomboy. Her almost twin was Mart who was born eleben months before her which makes them twins for one month of the year which is why everyone calls them the almost twins. Also because Mart has sandy hair and blue eyes too. He cuts his in a crew cut so he doesn’t have curls because then he won’t look like Trixie so much. Their older brother is Brian who ate the apple seeds and got poisoned and looks like his dad. Trixie and Mart and Bobby look like their mom. Brian’s dad is dark. So Brian is dark. Because he looks like him.
Jim Frayne is the other co-president. He is one of the many redheaded people running around Sleepyside. Theres a lot of those. Really. Jim has red hair and sometimes he has green eyes but when he is in the Ozarks they turn blue. Must be the water or something. I went to the Ozarks last summer. It was fun. But Jim is really the most wonderful boy in the world – everybody knows it – and even though he is an orphan (there’s a lot of those running around Sleepyside to) he has the most wonderful plans in the world for the most wonderful boys school in the world. They’ll be orphans like him but they’ll have a good school to go to with lessons sandwiched between neato outdoor stuff like woodworking and horseback riding and fun stuff like that because Jim is a really fun guy (the most wonderful boy in the world) and he knows all about the woods and how to survive in them because his dad was a naturalist who taught him lots even about skunks that have hydrophobia – he wasn’t making that up even though Trixie thought he was and he lost his redheaded temper and she felt bad for teasing him and he felt bad for losing his temper and then they made up because Honey is tactful – and when Jim ran away form home and his evil stepfather he had to survive in the woods so it’s really a good thing his dad was a naturalist who could teach him that stuff.
There is Dan – hes a orphan to. He was a gang member in a gang with a really stupid name the cowhands. How many cows run around New York City? But Judge Armen let him live with his uncle Regan who is the groom for the Wheelers horses and he puts his big freckled hands on his hips a lot. I think a lot of girls like that. Oh and he’s redheaded and an orphan to! Dan has black hair. Dan lives in a cottage on a pie shaped piece of land that is in the middle of the game preserve. Dan lives with Mr. Maypenny who makes a greta hunter stew that uses deer from the unicycle. That was another mystery Trixie solved.
Honey lives in the Manor House. Jim is her full-blooded adopted brother since he was a orphan and her dad went to school with his dad and Mr. Wheeler has red hair so it looks like Jim is his kid. (I told you there was a lot of redheads in Sleppyside!!!) Trixie and Honey took Miss Trask with her crisp grey hair and sensible oxfords on a trailer trip to find Jim. It worked! They found him and porved he had a trust fund that Jonesy couldn’t get and then he was adopted by the Wheelers.
Diana Lynch was really pour but then her dad made a million dollars practically over night and she moved from a crowded apartment in the villaeg out to Glen Road to live a big mansion and she was so rich that her mom (another orphan!) had a guy pretend to be her long lost brother and try to steal from her but trixie solved that mystery too because blue-eyed parents can’t have a brown eyed kid and the fake uncle monty’s eyes were shriveled up like olive pits and Mrs. Lynchs eyes wereblue as delphiniums. But Di’s really and truly uncle monty did exist and invited them all to Arizona and they spent Christmas there and they solved another mystery.
Diana Lynch had pretty, shiny black hair and violet eyes and was the prettiest girl in school. Was. Past tense. Because after Laina Garlisle moved to Sleepyside SHE was the prettiest girl in school. long flowing red hair with the prettiest copper highlights that you ever saw and intensely green eyes that all the boys told her looked like fine emeralds. She also had the highest grades in the school and was the captain of the cheerleading squad and sang solos in the choir and played piano better than anyone else and always got the leads in the school plays and when she wasn’t cheerleading she was the best girl on the girls soccer team and the girls basketball team and was the fastest runner on the track team – and that even included boys! Plus, she could skate better than Dot Murray so everyone was happy.
And remember? She had exciting news!!! She ran to the lunchroom where the rest of the Bob-Whites were gathered. No one was saying anything because they loved Laina so much that they wouldn’t speak if she wasn’t there because they didn’t want her to miss anything. Jim saw Laina coming and smiled a big smile that lit up his green eyes (they’re green because he’s not in the Ozarks. I went there last summer. It was fun.). Everyone turned where Jim was looking and they all jumped up and laughed and hugged each other. Laina was here!!!! Yay!
“Oh Bob-Whites, I have the most exciting news!” Laina cried.
Trixie spoke up. “We do to. We have some exciting news that we want to tell you. Please may we tell you?” Trixie was impetchewus.
Laina, who really was just perfectly perfect, smiled like a queen smiling at her subjects. “Of course, Trixie”
Mart who liked to tease and use big words spoke up first. “The esteemed collective order known as the Bob-Whites of the Glen heretofore announce with glee that – OW!” Mart grabbed his shin where Trixie had kicked him. “What did you do that for?”
Diana looked at Mart with wide violet eyes. “Isn’t he smart? Listen to all of the big words he uses.”
Brian, as older brother, knew he had to keep order among his younger sib- sib-… his younger borther and sister. “Mart that was not fair to spoil Trixie’s news – she is co-president of the club.” Trixie stuck her tongue out at Mart. “trixie – you shouldn’t kick mart.” Brian loved to give lectures.
Honey who was always peacemaker said something to keep the peace. She’s really good at that.
Jim and Dan sat and watched everybody. They were so hot that they didn’t need to really say anything – they could just sit there and there and everyone would think they were cute. Really cute.
“But what is the news?” Laina wailed, no longer able to stand the wait any longer.
“Oh! That’s right!” Trixie smiled. “We want to make you a Bob-White.”
Laina was so overcome with emotion that her green eyes filled with tears. If all those boys were here to see it they would probably say that they looked like emeralds under water or something like that. Because they did. Look like emeralds under water.
“A Bob-White? Me?” Laina cried. “I can’t believe this!”
Jim gazed fondly like he does a lot at the new member of the club. “What was your news, Laina?”
“Well, Mr. Stratton just told me that because I am so good at everything, I am going to be made Homecoming Queen AND Prom Queen this year, even though I am a sophomore and Homecoming and Prom are ages away. They’re not going to even hold a student vote because they want me to have these honors so bad!”
The Bob-Whites crowded around their newest member and lifted her into the air onto their shoulders. “Yay for Laina! Three cheers for Laina!”
Laina laughed happily. “Now my life is perfectly perfect!” Or it would be if I could date Justin Timberlake she thought to herself inside her head.
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Story and graphics copyright © GSDana